Letter to Hannah

Dear Hannah,

I've been thinking about a lot of things that I believe you, as my attorney, need to know in order to make decisions about how to advise me and handle this case. I have doubts about the potential proposal that you presented to me on Wednesday. Use whatever information you think may be relevant.

As I understand it, Bruce H wants to propose that Stewart get custody of Carrie with the condition our mother and I provide support. If Stewart can't fulfill his responsibilities as a father or if something happens, then our mother OR I will get Carrie. I want what's best for Carrie. She has a right to safety, security, stimulation, to be nurtured and nourished. All these things are a part of permanency. The proposal as I understand it is the opposite of permanency. The primary flaw is that the proposal implies that Stewart will fail. Another flaw is that either Mom OR I will get Carrie. Who will decide? This situation only sets me up to face my own mother in court sooner or later.

I love my mother and am deeply conflicted about my decision to share this with you. Her relationship with my brother is strained and interdependent at the same time. He clings to her when he feels needy, and she's happy to oblige. She doesn't know when to back off. Stewart reaches a point at which he feels smothered and lashes out at her. He curses at her and tells her to get out of his life. Her feelings get hurt and she cries about it. I've seen it happen over and over throughout Stewart's entire life.

Now I'll go back a bit further. My mother is 11 years older than her youngest brother. Their father died when Mom was only 14 and her brother was only 3. Mom met my father less than a year later, conceived me and then married him when she was 16. Her brother was almost 6 when I was born. By that time, her mother was becoming disabled with arthritis. She was in a wheelchair in my earliest memories. Because of my grandmother's disability, Mom took responsibility for raising her brother. During this time my father was physically abusive to Mom.

Wanting another child of her own, she got pregnant again when I was about 5. I clearly remember the day she told Dad she was pregnant. He put his fist through a wall and cursed at her for deciding on her own to get pregnant. Stewart was born five weeks after my 6th birthday.

Mom was never able to fully exert any kind of parental control over her brother. He dropped out of high school and before he was 20 got a woman pregnant. He didn't marry the woman. By the time he found out she was pregnant he had married another woman. He has been in jail several times, mostly for DUI.

His wife wanted nothing to do with his illegitimate son, whose mother was strung out on drugs. The baby was removed from his mother and faced going to a foster home by the time he was four. My mom volunteered to take him.

By this time Mom and Dad divorced and Grandmother died. Two to three years later, Mom remarried. Her husband had two teenage children. The daughter stayed with her mom. The son stayed with Mom and her husband. She still had custody of her nephew. By the time Stewart was fourteen he was out of control. Stewart fought and argued with Mom's husband, his son and Mom's nephew frequently. After several violent conflicts between Stewart and our stepbrother, Stewart was hospitalized and determined to be mentally ill. The bipolar disorder diagnosis came later. He was in and out of the hospital a lot. He quit public school and dabbled in home schooling and some sort of Christian correspondence study in order to graduate.

Mom's nephew became belligerent at school. He was suspended several times and expelled. Eventually he was removed from Mom's custody and sent to live in a series of group homes. He never graduated and can barely read. I believe he has been in jail at least once. As for Mom's stepson, he also dropped out of high school and reads at a low level. He stole items like guns and power tools from his own father and neighbors to sell for money.

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of anyone. I'm just telling the truth. Mom has had a hand in rearing five boys. Three of them are high-school dropouts. One has serious mental illness, and then there's me.

I've spent my share of time in counseling to work through a lot of issues. I finally feel like I'm in a good place in my life. After a successful 5 year career as a registered financial services rep, I decided to go back to school and begin a career in Information Technology. I will finish my BS in Telecommunications on August 4. I'm now employed at the University as a Technical Support Specialist providing desktop and network support. I share a beautiful historic home with my partner of 7 years. We're both active in the community and have a large network of friends. Neither one of us wanted children, so this isn't about my trying to get a child.

I don't believe Stewart has the mental or intellectual capacity to be responsible for a child. During the 5 days that he and I shared temporary custody his limits were tested by meeting Carrie's basic needs. He was very mechanical in feeding, bathing and changing her. Once after giving her a bath she threw a tantrum. He carried her down the stairs holding her away from him as if she were a repulsive object. He handed her to me and said, "I can't do it. She hates me. She won't stop screaming." He never attempted to make arrangements for her medical care, therapies and daycare.

It also frightens me to think that Mom may end up being the parental figure for Carrie. She told me recently that she doesn't understand why the court doesn't just give Carrie to her. She believes that she has some sort of automatic right to custody. It has become a matter of pride for her. Until I decided to hire my own attorney, Mom and Stewart seemed to be happy with the work I've done. Now they are beginning to view me as an enemy.

Regarding any potential joint custody, Stewart will probably insist on keeping her at his home. If Mom were the second party, she would likely agree at first. If that doesn't work out the alternatives are for Stewart to stay with Mom or for Mom to stay with Stewart. Both scenarios will have negative results. Stewart and Mom's husband don't get along well. This will lead to conflicts if he stays with Mom. If Mom stays with Stewart, her husband will resent her absence.

Stewart's psychological evaluation was performed on May 17th. I suspect the results will not be favorable. Can you find out if a report is finished and available to you? This may be relevant for the June 14 hearing. I don't want to fight with my family, but Carrie isn't a lab rat to be used in an experiment or a prize to be won in a contest. When do I stop trying to rally Mom and Stewart and begin my own fight for what I think is truly best for Carrie?

Sincerely,
Jody